PayDay 2 : 5 minute review

I’m not clowning around – this is possibly the worst game of this generation.

Stick ’em up! Put the next few hours of your life in this bag, you aint seeing them again chump!!

So after banging my head on a brick wall with Bloodborne (i might be able to write about that one day – for now its still too raw), i thought i could do with something a bit more mindless.

I know i thought, why dont i try Payday? Surely robbing art galleries and shouting “get down on the floor bitches” in my local branch of Santander (other banks are available) would fit the bill?


Only after ordering it did i think to look at some review scores, the omens were not good.

So unbowed i fired it up, and it only took a few minutes before my hope starting ebbing away.

Like a poor kitten… stuck… in a bag… with a brick…. in the canal.

I will now re-enact this painful experience, so you don’t have to.

Staring off with a sort of walkthrough / tutorial where you get guided round your safehouse by some random bloke on the radio, then what?

No really, then what?

Oh perhaps i can do something with the laptop thats on the table in this room? Oh ok i can start a mission? Erm fine.

So we are robbing a jewellery store, fair enough.

Break in and steal 6 bits of jewellery, check.

Oh here come the police – cool i can start shooting me some PO PO.

Hold on, i need to get to my van – but i can only take ONE piece of jewellery at a time? Is this for real?

We can’t shove 6 necklaces in our pockets? Between the FOUR of us? Nope.

So i have to run back and forth to my van dropping one necklace at a time in there at a time, getting shot at all the way there and back.

Thats not fun, thats running an errand. Under fire.

Ok done that now. Whats next?

Oh the van has been blown up and i have to hold out for a helicopter? Eh?

Right, chopper is here.

Oh you are kidding me, i now have to take each bag from the wrecked van ONE AT A TIME up to the helicopter now?

Just one bag to go, oh nuts ive been hit.

Im down.

Can someone help me up?

One AI team mate decides to get stuck behind a fire hydrant next to me, another is AWOL, and the last one is standing right above me steadfastly refusing to patch me up.

So i bleed out slowly.

And the game now has the cheek to ask me to start this ALL OVER AGAIN?

You mean i don’t want to sink more time into this glitched trainwreck? With its last gen graphics, stunted AI, spud gun ballistics and tedious missions?

The reviews were right, this game IS horrific. I was the only one robbed here, of my time and money.

I never understood why some people are afraid of clowns, but now i get it.

The next time i see one i will be petrified, thanks Payday 2.